A sequence of decisions brought me here. Not all were good or sensible. Some were really very bad. I like this “here” a lot and I am tempted to think: would I have arrived here by another path? There are things I still want to illuminate. I do not lack courage. But there are great and wonderful achievements. So, gratitude to the here. Because the there has already turned to dust.

On this, a Spanish philosopher I admire without moderation, José Ortega y Gasset, says in his book Meditaciones del Quijote: “I am myself and my circumstances; and if I do not save them, I do not save myself.”

I need to know that the person who arrives here, in the present, is the consequence of all the events, contexts, history and culture to which I have been directly or indirectly connected. Aspects tied to my thoughts, sensations, emotions, feelings, actions, relationships and learnings supply fragments that make up this dynamic mosaic of my self. Perhaps a kaleidoscope is more representative than a mosaic, since the composition is not static.

The small pieces of experience will compose themselves in mutatis mutandis formations, to meet different stimuli. They are countless arrangements, automatic in essence and not always suited to the immediate demand, since the necessary updating may not have happened.

Since we cannot yet travel through time, which is a pity (I would love to visit my past with today’s awareness!), the task before us is to know the fragments of experience, their impacts and meanings and, from that knowledge, to understand and strengthen the decision for new alternatives of living and of living with.

Understanding myself means understanding my circumstances, the meanings I attributed to each of them along my path and the associated and resulting behaviors.

And I must honor them, with each circumstance noticed, in order to adopt, at some point, other patterns of thought and behavior.

I am aware that understanding will not be complete. There are aspects of our lived experience that will not be recorded in memory, or will be recorded viscerally, which keeps us from the clearest view of events. Much of the circumstances will be in the unconscious. They will surface here and there or stay repressed, at times, for a lifetime.

So I need to deal with what presents itself, with the understanding I have in the present, which can provide inputs for small decisions, access to small new alternatives and, above all, the possibility of undoing knots and tangles that consume time!

Time! That non-negotiable variable that, once lost, does not return. Resolving and settling our circumstances can let us move through new circumstances without the “elastic band” that drags us back to the past, abruptly pulling us out of the present and of a lucid view of objective reality.

Each updated understanding can open doors to more fluid relationships and more coherent and honest actions. Understanding how I function can also generate an understanding look at the other’s circumstances and will give me resources to know what to do with what presents itself.

As I identify and understand circumstances and meanings, I will widen my access to objective reality. It is time to devote myself to understanding and taking on my purpose. I will then be able to guide my decisions by how much they approach or move away from the central meaning of my life. A gift! A construction of every day, of a decision deliberate through awareness.

Part of my purpose is not to be a hostage to circumstances that do not belong to me, to values that violate my principles, to actions that constrain me or to violence of any kind. The more aware I am, the more able I will be to identify and approach circumstances that strengthen my purpose or to move away from those that weaken it.