In my last piece, I began a series of analyses about the options we have when we are dissatisfied at work. Today I continue them, looking at the situation from the perspective of the decision to leave or to stay in the current work environment. I suggest you read the previous article if you have not already.

We learn to relate to other people early, in our first school of life, the family, and we keep updating that learning in all the other relationships we have throughout our journey. This learning is powerful for several reasons; I highlight two: (1) a child’s brain has little information stored and the potential to absorb many more experiences than an adult’s; (2) a child depends directly on the care of others for survival and for meeting biopsychosocial needs, so experiences, in themselves, carry a powerful emotional charge.

These learned and internalized relationship patterns, that is, the way decisions are made, conflicts are handled, problems are solved and needs are expressed, are repeated in people’s many relationships.

We seek to interact, unconsciously, with people who will help us keep the familiar and safe environment and relationship, that is, to repeat the patterns we learned. However bad the pattern may seem, it gives us a sense of security, because people are navigating something predictable that helps maintain physical and emotional homeostasis.

When we enter school, we keep refining these behaviors, our view of ourselves and our view of the world; we compare ourselves with friends and classmates, strengthen our own way or make the necessary updates. In adulthood, these patterns are already well defined, trained, confirmed or updated, and they are what we bring to work at the company.

Sometimes we may think that, by changing jobs, all our problems and difficulties will be left behind and we will have a completely different new life. But whatever the environment, the patterns are ours; if we have a certain difficulty in one place, those issues will keep following us wherever we go.

Becoming aware of our relational difficulties, of our relationship pattern, can be essential in deciding what to do with all this; however, we cannot expect a miracle from changing jobs. Change can and must start within ourselves, finding alternative ways to make relationships healthier.

Updating how we relate, make decisions, handle conflicts and communicate is the key turn we need to work in a good environment, one that brings out our best, so we can set healthy boundaries in our dealings with others and devote time to the profession we chose and to which we dedicate ourselves so wholeheartedly.