In recent months, I have often reflected on family contracts. A contract, from the perspective of transactional analysis as conceptualized by psychiatrist Eric Berne, is an explicit bilateral agreement. Bilateral, because it assumes the active participation of both parties. And explicit, because every aspect must be spoken and clear to the two people in the relationship.

In Relational Integrative Mentoring (Mentoria Integrativa Relacional), we developed the concept of the Contracted Common Field of Coexistence, in which the contract is one of the pillars nurturing that relational field. When we state to the other our expectations, needs, fears and fantasies, and the grammar by which we understand what we are communicating in the relationship, things flow. The chance to tune in to each other is much greater, opening space to build a relationship of intimacy in which both can be themselves, without having to “walk on eggshells.”

However, I have observed in family relationships how much dialogue stays in the realm of fantasy: what I think the other is thinking, what I would like the other to do without my having to say it, that is, guessing. Considering that we are unique beings, each with an individual worldview, when I keep communication implicit, the other will act according to their own expectations and needs, and not necessarily according to what I actually need.

When we relate, we invariably create a common field of coexistence. That is, our behaviors tell us the grammar of our relationship and what we can expect from one another. But, again, this often stays in the realm of imagination and, with it, comes the frustration of the other not being or behaving the way I imagine them to be.

For example, a father and a mother who do everything for their children all their lives begin to be bothered that the child needs to grow up, stand on their own feet, not be so dependent on them. From that discomfort, they stop doing things for the child and let the child stand on his own feet so he will grow and develop autonomy. Surely, that expectation will be frustrated. The child is confused, feels lost, does not know what is happening and may even interpret it as: they don’t love me anymore, I no longer have a place in this family, I don’t belong. And the parents interpret it as: he’s not making any effort and doesn’t want to grow up. All of this is exclusively in the realm of imagination, and what seemed an extraordinary way to support the child’s growth becomes an entrenched conflict and drives parents and children apart.

Let us look at the same example from another perspective, in my view a more effective one. I get in touch with the discomfort of seeing my child depend on me for many things and not seeing him grow from it. I sit down and talk with my child, laying out my discomfort. I make room for him to share his perspective on it, and together we talk about possible ways out of the problem, about behaviors and alternatives we both can put into practice that meet both our needs. By opening space for dialogue and bringing needs, fantasies, fears and expectations into the conversation, no one in the relationship will have to guess. We can reach solutions that work for both, and that can make a difference. Instead of seeing the parents as a threat, the child begins to see them as partners on the journey of development. Room opens for dialogue about the good things and the not-so-good things. I can be myself in the relationship, and so can the other. This becomes a safe relationship for us.

Is this perspective easy? Of course not: it requires me to open up to the other, talk about myself, expose myself, and that leaves me vulnerable. But it can make us stronger, it can save life time, and we can enjoy more the gift of the company of the important people in our lives. Relationships are built, and together we can create safe spaces in which we can be ourselves, in which our fantasies, fears and needs are received by the other as genuine and important.

I write today moved by the writing of my fellow columnists. I suggest you dive into the lovely texts they have crafted. I see that, together, we are diving ever deeper into the challenge of being human and relational.