Saying hello and saying goodbye are two delicate, complex moments for us human beings. When living together happens in a group, we can multiply that complexity by the number of people present.

We arrive at any group with our life backpack full of experiences, fantasies and expectations. We look around, trying to work out who is who, with the brain making frantic connections, checks and combinations. Aspects we remember and others we do not remember begin stitching together an idea of what our life will be with those people. The people will still be perceived in an indeterminate way, more connected to the memories of the one perceiving than to reality.

At this initial moment, a great doubt hovers (consciously or not) in the mind of the newcomer: will I be accepted or not? In the minds of those receiving the newcomer, there passes, quickly or not, the fear of the impacts she may have on the group’s social balance.

A special move will matter for the newcomer: identifying the group’s leader. Being accepted by that leader is a primary “survival” mission.

When coexistence begins to take place, reality gradually overtakes fantasy, and the choreography of the group’s relationships settles into place through explicit contracts or tacit understandings.

For each person in the group, the others will already be perceived individually. The fear of not belonging will be more or less defused, and everyone feels comfortable relaxing their anxiety a little.

However, any small change reminds everyone of the risk of being part of it or not. For a short time, doubts become part of the group again, which settles ever faster with each impact.

Settling is not a straight line; it is more like a wave moving through highs and lows. It is a dynamic stability: we stay together and apart, at once. Little by little, most of the people in the group come to know one another better, establishing closer, freer, more spontaneous relationships. This does not happen with every group but, when it does, the group will be strong and cohesive and will reach its goals in a more fluid and calm way.

The wish is for the group to continue. People will, individually, make moves to guarantee the group’s existence: gestures of affection and care.

Everyone feels the delight of a coexistence that includes being understood, validated, valued, recognized. Each person feels loved by the leader, and the leader no longer holds pseudo-power: they are “one of us.” We will be more together than apart and will be able to postpone meeting our individual needs for the group’s survival and in its name. These are moments that will be kept in memory as the “good times.”

Groups that evolve this way genuinely experience relationships grounded in unequivocal love. Dialogues are attuned, and there is curiosity to understand the other, their point of view, their world.

After living through these stages, some groups need to face the grief of farewell. These are groups with a limited lifespan, a deadline that everyone knows. However, to the exact extent that intimacy sets in, the possibility of the end is discounted. And it arrives. A bit stealthily, without much noise. It is time for the great shock. It seems almost unjust. “It can’t be that we have to give up this precious time together!”

Restlessness sets in, and people express anger, sadness or inadequacy. It is natural. With no clear destination for the exasperation, the people around will become targets of baiting and jabs. Anger tied to farewells seems so strange, doesn’t it? It is hard to own and apparently little accepted. But it will be there, in the underground of farewells. It must not make its home or take over territory, because anger can drain the sweetness from good memories. It is time to remember the reasons that affection existed until now and to begin ritualizing the goodbye.