Moving through life, from one human phenomenon to another, my eye and my attention are drawn to the choreography of relationships, with their complexities and multiple dimensions. One of them seems especially central to human contact and, for that very reason, is much remembered in analyses of coexistence: the way people communicate or fail to communicate changes the whole vital process that follows that moment, however long it lasts.

I imagine the journey of living together as a road on which beauties and obstacles alternate. Living together and contemplating can be the adventure of a lifetime.

Yet it is very common for travelers to walk together for a while until a misunderstanding in dialogue starts a divergent movement that can escalate to rupture. Each one may begin a solitary walk by taking a detour or, worse, keep going together in silence, a sophisticated kind of death in life. Without expressing thoughts, feelings, needs and expectations, each will be on the verge of various collapses, seeking alliances with other people. Because, as humans, we need contact, presence, validation, appreciation, attention, responses!

In my perception, dialogue is not only words. It is gestures, expressions, looks, any form of contact. Words complement or complicate contact. The fox, a character in Saint-Exupéry’s magnificent book The Little Prince, guides the boy on the path of “taming”:

“If you want a friend, tame me!” “What do I have to do?” asked the little prince. “You have to be patient,” replied the fox. “First you will sit a little way from me, like that, in the grass. I will watch you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Language is a source of misunderstandings. But every day you will sit a little closer” (our translation from the Portuguese).

And just look at the world we are in! Rushing, hurry, eyes glued to little mirrored rectangles, attention scattered between what happened and what needs to happen right now, fast. Now and then I think that, among the countless fantasies that surround and sedate human beings, there is one related to time: one day, who knows when, I will be able to pay attention to my traveling companions; one day I will be able to listen to and perceive the people around me; one day I will pay attention to myself and know who I am and what I need.

And in these maddening whirlpools, purposes, projects, people, companies and countries are lost.

What to do, after all?

I have a proposal that is revolutionary but not innovative. Its name is kindness.

And it does not come with the human package, as an accessory. Kindness is learned. It is a repertoire captured by the child by observing and interacting with the adults around her.

Kindness in speaking and kindness in listening presuppose quality of presence. They presuppose attunement with people. To attune is to adjust the channel, to identify and connect with the other’s world of meanings and to open the connections of listening.

Kindness is expressed through empathic connection, through the validating gaze, through words and gestures that include and recognize people.

It originates in a decision, in a conscious deliberation to care for oneself, for the other and for the flow of communication.

Speaking kindly is being aware of the potential impact that words, gestures and expressions have on the other. It is, in fact, understanding something relatively simple: after all, what do I want the other to understand?

Speaking and listening kindly, besides saving time, a resource with no replacement, can strengthen relationships, make results possible and reduce the stress of difficult environments and situations (kindness can be the rapid-response channel in crises!).

Speaking and listening kindly can also strengthen people’s development in their different settings: in the family community, in companies, in schools. Kindness can open spaces of understanding and welcome for complementary or contradictory thoughts.

Small kind gestures can be the beginning. Just imagine if, instead of those absurd and violent debates we watch now and then, authorities chose an emotionally educated dialogue and together drew up projects for the population. Just imagine if offenses and violent speech were replaced by kind, lively and proactive dialogue.

Ah, and before I forget: being kind does not mean being weak, condescending, submissive or venal.

Kindness is planted in courage and decision: the courage to listen to oneself, understand one’s motives and kindly express one’s needs and expectations.

As I wrote: revolutionary, but not very innovative. My grandmother Nenê taught us kindness long ago: by being kind.