The reflection that has occupied my mental condominium this Sunday concerns the many mismatches and their consequences, and the varied possibilities of encounters. I take part in many and observe other encounters and mismatches.

By encounter I mean the moment when two or more people sharing the same space-time live together without prior conditions, accept the other in their special singularity, welcome disagreements and agreements, deliberately suspend judgment, in an explicit contract of fluid communication, and stubbornly value their own essence and the other’s.

I think of encounter as an attuned dimension of one person who truly perceives the other, shows interest in the other’s presence and opens up to see, listen to and feel the other’s universe.

When two people are in the same place, being together is not always an encounter. Playing with the origin of the word, which softened over the centuries (in Latin, incontrare meant meeting an adversary, being against, on the opposite side), I propose looking at three varieties: non-encounter, mismatch and encounter.

Many may be in the same environment, at the same time, and never meet, even if they occasionally bump into one another here or there. None qualifies the other’s presence. Even hearing, these people do not decode the speech and other communications, which enter the system as ambient noise. Non-encounter is tremendously frightening. As in a science-fiction novel, social invisibility is chilling to those who watch and is almost not noticed by the protagonists of the non-encounter.

Mismatch is more confusing: there is no listening, and the noisy speech escalates to shouting and ruptures. It is agonizing to those who watch. The din produced by frozen beliefs and “absolute certainties” does not even allow recognizing the presence of the other, or others. There are no dialogues; there are, often, bellowed monologues. Mismatches between people swell and progress to the point of producing division and violence. Mismatches between groups, besides those divisions and violence that characterize them, cause social imbalances. These are wars, conflicts, fragmentations of every sort; personhoods disintegrate.

Many times I feel the wish to invite those who are mismatched to breathe deeply, to stop for a moment, to concentrate for a minute, to look at the other and truly open themselves to encounter. And I know it is not that easy.

And the encounter? The time of the encounter, its duration, does not matter. What matters is its intensity, whether there was an unquestionable quality of presence. The place where the encounter occurs does not matter; what matters is that people are truly there, present, attentive, attuned to one another. It does not matter who arrived first, who was there longest and who did not come. What matters is being together, with empathic connection, without thinking of reciprocation, offering affection and recognition with no price or condition.

It is when friends, partners, loves and family are neither “mine” nor “yours.” These people belong to themselves and, as free human beings, can make their own independent journeys. Even so, they can make themselves available for encounter.

There are walks that last years and do not become encounters. There are families that live under the same roof and do not meet. There are professional partners who labor hour after hour, year after year, side by side, and do not meet. There are friends who have fun together and do not meet. There are those who say “I love you” and do not open themselves to encounter.

True encounters are precious. It seems like magic. A bridge is established because detached affection builds it. Understanding solidifies because there is acceptance that welcomes. Fluidity settles in because there is recognition that warms. Qualified presence is felt because there is explicit pleasure in being together.

I bless those who made it possible for me to distinguish true encounter from mismatch and non-encounter. I bless those who showed me the healing power of encounter. I bless those who, asking nothing of me, are by my side. I do not need to adapt, I do not need to be silent, I do not need to submit to any conditions, I do not need to give up my values or thoughts. That is all an encounter is, and nothing more.