When I think of the best we can give our children, the thought comes at once: strengthened self-esteem. That does not mean steering them down a narcissistic path, perceiving themselves as better than everyone else. It means foundations and inner resources that let them navigate life’s ups and downs, coping with the different challenges.

Self-esteem is built and nourished from a delicate balance between structure and emotional nurturing, which presupposes attention divided between managing limits and providing stimuli that meet children’s relational needs.

The little baby, on arriving in a family community, is unique in their characteristics. In relating to people, through their experiences, they build identity and self-esteem.

To parents falls the noble task of caring for themselves and growing stronger so they can provide an environment and behaviors that facilitate the process. Often, we did not receive the resources needed to do so. The beautiful thing about existence is that what we did not receive in our own experience we can learn.

Self-esteem is an internal phenomenon, built little by little, that does not depend on external perception or on comparison with other people. That is, the more robust the self-esteem, the less vulnerable the person will be to the impacts of other people and of events around them.

Respecting oneself, within the scope of strengthened self-esteem, fosters a level view of other people, within an ethic of symmetry. The weakening of self-esteem exposes the person to judgments and comparisons that can exclude them from possibilities and alternatives for achieving well-being.

Building self-esteem happens in coexistence with people who allow our learning to happen, who validate our growing capacity at each of its stages and who make us believe how worthy we are of unequivocal love.

I need to clarify that unequivocal love is not an aspect of romantic love. Unequivocal love comes from the deliberate decision to love without any condition. Perceiving oneself as worthy of that love is an irreplaceable ingredient for forming and maintaining self-esteem.

Part of consolidating self-esteem is learning to recognize constructive and destructive messages, so that, by distinguishing them, we can choose which to internalize. Part of strengthening self-esteem is living through experiences and having emotional and thinking resources to make healthy decisions. Part of building self-esteem and self-validation is the balance between recognition and stimulation (basic relational needs) and structure (clarity about boundaries and roles).

Facilitating the process of self-validation in children presupposes a long process of loving them and teaching them skills and responsibilities. By receiving loving limits, children gradually learn to set their own limits and to value themselves.

Many children do not learn about boundaries and limits when they live with adults who judge them or harshly criticize their mistakes. These children will never hear or see what to do, how to do it, when to do it and with whom to do the routine tasks of living. Even so, adults expect them to get it right and fit in perfectly.

We can talk about it; it is a theme that moves me. In my professional work of developing people, I find, in adult bodies, children who did not learn self-esteem in its different languages. But it is learning that can be resumed at any time. That is a light that encourages me. On the other hand, much time and health are lost in countless attempts to get it right. The cost is high, measured in quantity of life (not quality).

A child loved assertively, who receives words, gestures and care (emotional nurturing), will know how to love herself.

A child who learns limits, skills and standards (structure) will be able to develop a sense of self and of others, will learn and internalize values and ethics and will be able to take responsibility for herself.

Nurturing and structure are partners in this life project. The presence of at least one of them provides conditions for the child to function, even if without joy and lightness (when nurturing is lacking) and without strength and security (when structure is lacking).

Where to begin?

Parents with strengthened self-esteem know how to nurture and structure their children’s path. When caregivers do not have strengthened self-esteem, it is time to accept the possibility of learning to care for themselves.

Along the way, in dialogue with our children, we have the possibility of learning too. It is not a simple task, nor one done alone, nor one to carry out as a measure of success. It is not perfect children we should aim for, but children who can cope, in their own way, with the challenges that the experience of living presents, with lightness and some pleasure, when possible.